I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
