You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
