Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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