I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
