My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
