Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
