Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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