i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
