My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
