The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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