i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
