call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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