i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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