I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you never un-have a 4some
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
