like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
