god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
