My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
