when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
