Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
