Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
