I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
