I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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