Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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