Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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