ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
