I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
