Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
