I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Pooping to opera.
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