Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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