I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
