I wanna passion pit in your ass
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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