During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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