i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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