i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
