Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
