just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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