I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
