I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
