need another drink. this is the easiest way
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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