Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
