Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
