so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
