Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
