This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
