My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
why is half of my head shaved?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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