I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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