i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
