Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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