i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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