I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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