If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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