I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
