Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
